We’ve all been there. That gut-punch moment when you realise what felt totally obvious… wasn’t. Maybe your subtle suggestions flew under the radar, a colleague got hurt by something you didn’t even say, or your boss expected something you didn’t know was expected. It’s like we need psychic powers just to survive the workday! We hint, we imply, we hope people “get it”. And then we’re shocked when they don’t. The truth is we’re all just guessing. Instead of mind games, we should be using our most underrated workplace superpower: good old, straight-up feedback.
Why Mind Reading Doesn’t Work
When meaningful feedback is missing, we unconsciously slip into mind-reading mode. We create stories. Instead of clarity, we fill the gaps with guesswork, interpreting others’ behaviour through our own lens. Our very own Leadership Coach & Trainer, Tor, shared how a few curious questions in a new role were misread by her previous manager as challenges to her authority.
”We were basically starring in different movies. It took six months and a tense review before we finally had an honest conversation and cleared up what could’ve been resolved in five minutes.
Tor SaintLeadership Trainer & Coach
This is the danger of mindreading. We assume people understand our intentions. We read into their tone, their timing, their phrasing. And all the while, they’re probably doing the same to us. Without real feedback, we replace facts with fiction, and those stories can seriously damage relationships and productivity. We start believing our own interpretations are truth, stop asking questions, and gradually drift further from actual understanding.
It’s easy to think people should “just know” how we feel. Or think our body language is enough. But mind reading is unreliable, and often wrong. And let’s be honest: we’re not mind readers. If we want less tension, more trust, and better results, we need to say the quiet part out loud.
Positive Feedback Isn’t Optional
One of the biggest mind-reading traps at work? Assuming people just know they’re doing a good job. “I’d say something if there was a problem,” we think, as if silence somehow equals praise.
But silence isn’t neutral. We’re all naturally tuned to spot what’s wrong, not what’s right. So when people don’t hear anything, they usually don’t assume they’re nailing it. They assume they’re missing the mark. And if they don’t know what they’re doing well, how can they keep doing it?
Giving feedback in the workplace, especially positive reinforcement, keeps people going. It builds clarity, trust, and momentum. And it doesn’t need to be a big moment. A quick, “Loved how you handled that,” can do wonders.
Say it when it’s good. Because guessing games are not a solid workplace strategy.
Moving from Mindreading to Real Feedback
We all know feedback matters. We’ve nodded through enough training sessions to prove it. The problem isn’t awareness, it’s follow-through. If we want feedback to actually work (and not just be that awkward thing we save for annual reviews), we’ve got to get the basics right.
Start with Trust
Feedback only really works if people trust you. If there’s no trust – or worse, it’s been broken – your carefully worded feedback will bounce right off. One client said, “How can I take advice from someone I don’t trust?” And honestly, fair point. No matter how well you phrase it, feedback without trust is just noise.
Ditch the ‘Hoard and Dump’
Another common pitfall is saving up feedback all year and then dropping it all in a single performance review. This never goes well. The best feedback is timely, when the situation’s fresh and you can still do something about it. Wait too long, and you risk confusion, resentment, and missed chances to grow. Even worse, people feel like you deliberately withheld useful info, which, again, kills trust.
Also, please stop booking “feedback conversations” two weeks in advance. That’s basically the work version of a “we need to talk” text. Instead, weave feedback into regular chats or day-to-day moments. It lands better and feels way less scary.
No More ‘Sh*t Sandwiches’
The old trick of sandwiching criticism between two bits of praise? People see right through it. Once they catch on, any compliment just sounds like the lead-up to a “but…” Tor had a manager in coaching who was shocked when their team admitted, “Whenever you say something nice, I brace for the bad bit.” Ouch.
If your praise is real, let it stand on its own. And when you have constructive feedback? Say it clearly, kindly, and directly, no sandwich needed.
Watch Your Bias
Once you’ve flagged a behaviour, you’re more likely to keep noticing it, even when the person’s improved. Like if someone interrupts a lot and you call it out, your brain might be stuck in “watch for interruptions” mode and miss when they start listening better. So, check yourself: are you noticing growth or just scanning for old patterns?
Pick the Right Setting
Think about where you give feedback.
Praise? Great to give in public, it shows others what “good” looks like.
Constructive feedback? Keep it private. Some leaders even switch up the environment to make tough chats feel less intense. A walk or coffee catch-up can be way more effective than sitting across a desk like it’s an interrogation.
Use a Structure That Works
Structure gives feedback clarity and confidence. At MadeYou, we teach a simple four-step model to support effective feedback at work to keep it clear, fair, and focused on growth
- Situation – what was going on
- Behaviour – what exactly did the person do (no vague waffle)?
- Impact – how did it affect you, others, or the work?
- Future – what should change or continue going forward?
It’s practical, it works, and it stops the convo from drifting into blame or ancient history. Plus, specific feedback beats vague every time. “Be more professional” leaves people guessing. “When you used casual language in that client meeting, it confused them about how formal we are” gives them something they can actually work on.
When you’ve got trust, the timing’s right, you’re aware of your biases, the setting’s well chosen, and your feedback is specific and structured, that’s when feedback starts doing what it’s meant to do: help people grow, work better together, and stop mind reading dead in its tracks.
After Feedback: Listen, Understand, Support
So, you’ve given the feedback, job done, right? Not quite. This isn’t the end of the conversation; it’s the start of a really important part. What happens next can make or break the impact of what you said.
Pay attention to their reaction. Are they nodding along but looking confused? Getting a bit defensive? Open and ready to improve? Their body language and tone will tell you loads about how your feedback landed.
This is your moment to shift from talking at them to working with them. Ask questions like:
- “What might get in the way of making this change?”
- “What support would help?”
- “Would training or a bit of guidance be useful?”
Even with trust, timing, and clarity in place, feedback still has its hurdles; fear of conflict, time pressure, or feeling overwhelmed. That’s why giving leaders space to explore their own feedback habits can be a game-changer. In coaching, they unpack what they’ve received, what they need to give, and why it’s hard. With a bit of practice and support, feedback stops being something to dread and becomes a tool for genuine growth.
Creating a Two-Way Feedback Culture
Effective feedback at work isn’t a one-way street. Building a real feedback culture means giving, receiving, and asking for feedback, openly, regularly, and with intention. This kind of exchange builds trust and sends the message that feedback truly matters here.
- Avoid vague asks. Questions like “Any feedback for me?” usually get blank stares. People don’t know where to start or worry about saying the wrong thing.
- Be specific. Try: “I’m working on improving how I run meetings, anything I could do differently to keep them more engaging?” This makes it easier for others to respond thoughtfully.
- Own your areas for growth. Being upfront—“I’ve been told I can over-explain—have you noticed that?”, shows humility and makes it safer for people to be honest.
- Use structure. A simple Start–Stop–Continue works wonders:“What should I start doing to help you more?”“What should I stop doing that gets in your way?”“What should I continue doing that’s working well?”
Asking for feedback in the right way invites real conversations, not awkward silences.
How to Receive Feedback at Work Like a Pro
When someone gives you feedback, your job is simple: zip it and listen. That urge to jump in with “But that’s not what happened!” is strong, but resist it. Start by asking questions to fully understand their perspective:
- “What would success look like from your perspective?”
- “How would you prefer I handle similar situations in future?”
- “Which part of my approach had the biggest impact (positive or negative)?”
Once you’ve understood, take action. Don’t just nod along, make a plan, follow through, and loop back. Showing you’ve done something with the feedback builds trust and proves you’re taking it seriously (not just mentally ticking it off while thinking about dinner).
And don’t forget to say thank you. Giving feedback – especially the awkward kind – isn’t always easy. A genuine “Thanks for helping me improve” shows you see feedback as a gift, not a dig. It also makes it more likely they’ll keep offering it in future.
When You Disagree with Feedback
Getting feedback you don’t agree with can sting, but how you handle it says a lot about your leadership. The key? Stay curious, not defensive.
Start by asking: Is this feedback based on incomplete information? Maybe you do meet regularly with your team leaders, but haven’t communicated that clearly. Sometimes feedback is more about perception than fact.
Also remember: even if your intention was good, the impact might not have landed that way. Their experience is still valid. There might be a disconnect between what you meant and what they felt.
Instead of shutting it down, explore it. Ask questions. Look for the gap between intention and impact. Feedback you disagree with can still give you insight into how you’re coming across, and that’s always valuable.
Effective Feedback Is a Gift
Feedback really is a gift. Free insight into how you can grow, connect better with your team, and move forward in your career. The most successful leaders don’t just wait for it; they ask for it, take it seriously, and act on it. Then they close the loop by checking in: “Have you noticed a difference?” That simple follow-up reinforces change and shows genuine commitment.
When feedback becomes a natural, two-way exchange, seek, receive, act, check, it shifts from something awkward to something empowering. It builds trust, boosts performance, and makes working together feel a lot more human.
Your Feedback Journey Starts Now
When feedback is unclear or avoided, trust erodes and growth stalls. You end up second-guessing your team and they second-guess you.
But when feedback flows openly and confidently, your team thrives, communication sharpens, and performance improves.
At MadeYou, we help leaders turn feedback into a superpower. Through our feedback related training courses and coaching, you’ll learn how to give, receive, and act on feedback that drives real change.
Stop mind-reading. Start leading. Let’s make feedback your edge.
